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comedy

David Lynch, Coffee Roaster and weatherman

Jun 7th, 2007
by Mark.
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David Lynch Coffee Beans

A friend of mine describes Lynch as: “yeah, i mean it’s not that you’re not getting it, it’s that it genuinely doesn’t make sense.” The dubiously ‘charity’ affiliated coffee is surely at least decent, but not as strange an experience as it probably should be.

I brought in the kids from VanDusen Speaks to make this as funny as it should be

Gary Grass:
You have to make the coffee wearing a high-heeled stiletto on your left foot and a gravy boat full of loose change on your right.

David Lynch Dark Roast is best enjoyed with some fresh biscotti and a wriggling, naked Laura Dern.

VanDusen:
I only bought the Mulholland Roast for that one brew, which I drink over and over again until my leg falls asleep.

Why is this coffee so fucking suave !!! Mommyy !!!

The weather, for which Mr. Lynch looks out the window of his bounker-like office, as well as ringtones and other evidence that he is still thoroughly putting one over on all of us, are on his homepage. the most fervent evidence is obvious

I’ll say this–if i weren’t unemployed, I’d buy the $16 half pound.

via

worst bar patrons, with my pdx twist

Jun 5th, 2007
by Mark.
4 comments

I’m stuck in Tucson (Tuscon? Tscuno?) so I’m hurting for the pdx right now. It was 109 fucking degrees here today. days so hot not even crotch-beer saves you from suffering.

in league with the ‘judging people by their book covers‘ corollary introduced about a year ago, we now have the 11 most annoying bar people, with accompanying you tube videos.

I would add some portland specific ones:

1. the Pabst-o-philes, those folks who seem to derive some sort of working class street cred from torn thriftstore t-shirts my dad threw away 20 years ago and looking disdainfully at people who order something other than their preferred piss-water.

2. reverse pregnant bikers, (who are often part of group #1) those who refuse to remove their oversized messenger bags despite the obvious and very real danger that they’ll smack every seated person in the face in a crowded bar.

anyone got a another type of asshole to add?

Sam Bowie

May 30th, 2007
by Mark.
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Tiny’s is my coffee shop. The gracious combination of palatable coffee, wifi, photocopies of the daily crossword puzzle and occasional eye-candy have me here on my days off more often than not. Today, I learned that i’ve earned another nickname.

Sam Bowie.

perhaps the person in line behind me was a superstar?


——-

I’ve given up on Basketball, but I guess I should mention that picking Greg Oden will not be Sam Bowie 2.0. An attractive trade deal involving Pryzbizzle and a healthy series of draft picks will get the Blazers the speedy swingman they need. i hear Marion will be available.

fuck it, I’m watching soccer, where we all expect the officiating to be terrible.

reality bites back

Apr 19th, 2007
by Mark.
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Fast food spotted in the wild! I do note that the Fish Sandwhich isn’t far off. But damn, Fast Food places should stop cooking beans in any form. looks like baby shit. Curses on all Food Stylists!

If only the fast food fantasies were as good as reality. I’ve lined up some fast food fantasies applied outside the Mall Food Court:

(more…)

The five most soul destroying minutes in FoodTV history

Mar 27th, 2007
by Mark.
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I was going to hold on to this link to keep my splendid comedic genius at the top of the page for more than, say, 4 hours, but fuck that noise, this is too good to save.

Before you click, here’s the best way to enjoy this:
1. click the link
2. let it load
3. look at the image for 3 seconds
4. close your eyes
5. press play
6. let your imagination run wild.

the moving images you are about to listen to are totally SFW, but definitely NSFST (not safe for sleeping tonight). especially if your imagination is like mine.
Naomi Leibowitz, I will lose sleep over this.

so you tell me: foodgasm or porngasm?

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