quest column

gastronaut 17

my god, I have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing. Not a god damn thing, other than expressing my utter and complete confusion over ‘medieval night (knight?)’ that took over commons on thursday night. While i respect the desire to ‘mix things up’ and try jiggle the freshman out of their corn-oil and rockstar induced aphasia, i hardly think that turning Commons into a theme restaurant that previously starred in the Simpsons Divorce Episode #1 and three Rick Moranis movies is the way to go. For the record, the only missing utensil from the era was the fork; knives and spoons were as common as the plague and inbred royalty.

In other news, we must mourn the loss of a great and close friend of the Reed community: Pizza Timé. Now, I know that it technically hasn’t existed for a while now, having been sold to the luminaries who thought they could compete with Pizzacato for the Gourmet market, Rosetta Pizza has shut its doors and cancelled their phone line.

As of today, friday the 25th, I am declaring Tani’s dead. The coming soon sign has been ubiquitous since that stripmall was completed, but nothing’s doing. I’m actually kind of glad about that; the prospect of tanning spray in my inari isn’t appealing.

I have received numerous warnings recently about Assaggio, the Italian restaurant on 13th in Sellwood. I’ve never been, but these comments are pretty scathing, and the fact that Assaggio isn’t actually a word in Italian, I’d suggest staying the course on 13th and going to Portofinos. Cross this one off the places-to-take-your-parents list.

Come on people… i can’t keep pulling stuff outta my ass every week.

Gastronaut 15 as usual, make up a better title.
Now is about the time that everyone stops cooking. Come on now admit it. You’ve been shopping less, eating things that either: cook in 5 minutes, are from the scrounge line, the bookstore, or if you are avoiding the last mess you left in your meager dorm kitchen. It happens to all of us. Coffee has returned to its status as your largest food group, and truth be told, most of us forget to eat pretty often.
Somewhere, in these painfully sunny days, which we forsake for the bowels of the library, you need to get the fuck outta dodge for a while.
Go eat somewhere you haven’t been to before. Go FAR away. Remember, if the joint is across town, your break is even longer. Lounging on a bus with a friend and a food coma is something grand that will improve anyone’s day.
If that isn’t enough, there are many interesting restaurant experiences to behold in this great city. Some of these are cheap and funky, some are a little pricey, but worth it, unless I’ve never been— I wouldn’t lie about it now, would I?
I’ve got some selected places that I’ve organized by travel time, one way, by bus.
1) Yoko’s sushi (2878 SE Gladstone St): It was once reported to me that Yoko, the owner, is Ween’s favorite person. Or at least she is their favorite sushimistress. Yes, sushimistress. There are so few female sushi chefs trained in Japan, I’m not sure English has made up a term for them. The Japanese Food machismo—which is strong and apparent if you’ve ever witnessed Iron Chef—decrees, among other things, that women ‘warm’ raw fish and destroy its ‘freshness.’ Sigh…. Anyway, her joint is funky, very newbie friendly, and it has an extensive list of cooked dishes for the squeamish and unadventurous. I personally think there should be a dunce hat for people who avoid raw things. Shame them into compliance, that’s what I say. Ha! Bus time: Walk, you lazy bastard. It’ll do you good.
Oh, if you live a vacuous existence, you will LOVE the C-bar next door. If you can stand it, wait for your table there, they’ll call you ‘a la’ the Delta/Lutz
2) The funny Buddhist vegetarian restaurant on 84th and Division. I don’t know it’s name, but that doesn’t matter. It’s in a house. The owners appear to be pretty hardcore Buddhists. The place makes Vietnamese Gluten-meat concoctions. The fun part is taking a vegetarian somewhere where they can safely be completely fucking bewildered by the menu, and then point at something. CHEAP LUNCH. Bus time: 30.
3)Dots – (2521 SE Clinton St) It’s like scrounging at the Lutz, as David Lynch would see it. Cheap but watery drinks, greasy French fries, funky black velvet art. Vegan options. Fuzzy wallpaper. Cash/check only. Bus time: maybe 20?
4 and 5) Vegans, heads up. There are two new vegetarian places open downtown. I have not been to either, but they are: Veganopolis (412 SW Fourth Street
Portland, Oregon 97205) which is on the internet: I have recon coming soon; I’ll get back to you. Blossoming Lotus café is inside the Yoga in the Pearl location on NW Davis between 9th and 10th. The Chef, and sole employee as far as I know, is a Reed alum, and one funny dude, who can cook to beat the band. Bus Time: 30-40 minutes.
6) Clarklewis (1001 SE Water Ave): Go nuts. 2004 restaurant of the year. Haven’t been myself, but I’ve heard it’s every hipster foodie’s dream. GUARD YOUR EARS, it is a very noisy joint. Bus Time: 40
7) MINT—I’ve heard nothing but good things. If you’re bussing it, call ahead, and go with someone whose company you truly enjoy, it’s a long one. Bus Time: 1 hour
A very funny person told me to suggest the Hooters in Beaverton. There. I did it. Happy? Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter… damn kids….. mutter,,,think they’re so funny….. mutter
9) Syun Izakaya. This is the monster. If you need to diffuse the existential crisis with a long, meditative ride on a train and the best Japanese food in the state, head to Syun. The name literally means ‘fresh seasonal sake pub.’ Fish are flown from Tsukiji, the famous Tokyo market, EVERYDAY. It’s a two-hour train ride on the Red line, but it’s very little walking from the train. Hillsboro is a dose of suburbia, and if you watch Beaverton fly by, you return with a renewed appreciation that we do not live on the other side of those hills there yonder. Reservations are a MUST on weekends, but considering travel time, you’d be stupid not to call ahead. You can dooo iiiit! Bus/train time 90 min to 2 hr.

Gastronaut 14


The strangest thing happened to me a few days ago. I was in a Best Buy, that store with so many blinking, hypnotic lights even the most hardcore anarcho-syndicalist could find themselves dropping a few grand on an HDTV and a satellite system. Anyway, I was perusing the videogames when I stumbled on something I didn’t think could exist. I’m saying unconscionable here. It was a fitness video game. Let me repeat that a FITNESS VIDEO GAME. The premise is as such: Mya, the fitness character, does exercises on the screen, and the player mimics them in real life. The game also offers meal planning, recipes and ‘positive re-enforcement.’

Other than the shockingly backwards logic from which this game sprang, the whole encounter reminded me of the uncomfortable relationship our nation has with food. We look to the very box responsible for our sedentary lifestyles to make us thin again. But Mya is just a symptom of a pandemic. I believe fundamental problem with diners and dining these days comes down to portion size. It is all out of whack. More and more, when I ask people about dining experiences (which I do often… the quest doesn’t finance me, so I get a lot of feedback and intel from other diners instead of draining my bank account going one place 5 times) I hear this a lot: “The food was fantastic, but I expected more for the prices.” This entire nation is gripped with portion-mania, and it is a big problem.

Portions from the Chef’s perspective: portion size is largely a nutritional and economic concern. A good chef will consider a lot of factors: calories, food cost, presentation, plating, and positioning. Remember American Psycho? Those restaurants negate the first category, but must pay attention to the last one, because they would be having 5-8 course meals. How one orders dishes is more important than you think: long meals mean that the chef has control of a diner’s consumption, which includes fat consumption, blood sugar, etc. Portion size is still key because the diner should eat everything on the plate. If there is too much, the restaurant literally throws money away. At the same time, the diner wants to feel they are receiving enough on each plate. Enter tall food and extravagant garnish. There is a system to it all, a French one, but that system is falling apart.

I blame the Buffet. I do. It is spawn of Satan. The mere fact that it no longer bothers most people that places like Golden Corral and Sweet Tomatoes are bursting at the seams with the morbidly obese like so many fattened pigs at the trough scares the fucking hell out of me. Competitive eating is now a sport. ‘All you can eat’ is now treated more like a challenge than a promise. The pasta course, traditionally no more than 400 starch calories, is typically a mammoth serving about equal to three portions. Our eyes have become permanently larger than our stomachs. Even in the land of small servings and multiple courses, the all you can eat concept has reared it’s ugly head: the ‘small plates’ phenomenon, borrowed from tapas, encourages the same kind of unchecked consumption. We’ve convinced ourselves we’re satisfied only when the plate is clean and the belt unbuckled. Anything short of that is not worth the money.

Gastronaut 12

Well kids, this will be the last installment of the Gastronaut for this semester, and I’d like to thank any and all of you who have bothered to read my columns, despite their occasional shitty quality. Long-live last minute writing, right? Anyway, I’ve got a lot of other shit I should be doing right now, so I’ll crank out this one and call it a year.

The bybee bridge has re-opened, so now, dear readers, it’s much less of a pain in the ass to reach the many fine restaurants that dot Milwaukie, from Holgate to Tacoma. I realize that there are many of you who have never wandered that general direction in search of sustenance, so I’ll list off some of the good ones:

Papa Haydn East (5829 SE Milwaukie Ave) and Caprial’s Bistro (7015 SE Milwaukie Ave): Pricy northwest cuisine. Wine lists, waiters who have more expensive pants than you do. I mentioned Papa Haydn in the ‘date’ column three weeks ago. A Reed professor, who shall remain nameless, confessed to me that the only time he’s had fun at Caprial’s was while ‘totally drunk.’ That, and if you’ve ever seen her show on PBS, you’ll want to kill her, not eat her food.

Papaya Thai (7202 SE Milwaukee) & Stickers (6808 SE Milwaukie Ave): I’d pick Stickers over Papaya any day, because Stickers has a much more innovative approach to their food: they actually serve things you can’t get elsewhere, and they have different ideas about the ‘standards’ of south Asian cuisine. The owners of Stickers say their restaurant is based on south Asian street food. Any traveler will tell you, street food is where the fun is.

Springwater Grill (6716 SE Milwaukie Ave), Adobe Rose Café (1634 SE Bybee Blvd), & Taqueria San Felipe (6221 SE Milwaukie Ave): Springwater serves really eclectic food, but the décor is sickeningly southwestern kitch, to the point that I’ve only eaten there once, and I wasn’t greatly impressed. If you’re a good chess player, go beat the bartender and get a free drink. Speaking of southwestern kitsch, Adobe Rose serves ‘New Mexican’ food (in the sense of the state of America, not some kind of Bobby Flay new (modern) Mexican cuisine). I can’t bring myself to eat there. They use the Tohono O’o’dham symbol for ‘boner’ as their sign. I can’t handle it. Someone told me their chili con queso was good. As for San Felipe, it’s the best Mexican food within waking distance of Reed.

Saburos (1667 SE Bybee Blvd): I’ve mentioned Saburos numerous times. It’s nice to have good cheap sushi available again. Visit them.

A cautionary note about Tartine (1621 SE Bybee Blvd): A little birdie (actually, a flock of birdies) informed me that it has changed management, the prices have risen (significantly) and the portions have shrunk (considerably). The Turkish birdie told me his food looked comically small on his oversized plate. Note to any restaurant owners who might read this. If you’re going to chop portion sizes, get new plates. Oh, and quality, service and general atmosphere has suffered as well. (update: Tartine is now closed)

I bid you all goodbye for the winter, and thanks for reading.